Call me naive or perhaps it’s an age-old defense mechanism, but when people would talk about light skin vs dark skin (I’m talking like mid to late 00s), I used to think colorism was an antiquated issue. No one in my circle really talked about it and I didn’t have a ton of personal “light vs dark” experiences so I thought folks were just in their heads. Because how can you not see that there’s beauty in ALL skin tones? I didn’t grow up hating my skin tone and I still don’t. I LOVE my skin (how could I not—you see how smooth this mess is…lol) and wouldn’t want to be anything else but me while still appreciating the beauty in people who don’t look like me. Then social media exploded and I realized how wrong I was when it came to colorism.
Of course I’m not THAT naive—I grew up during hip-hop’s glory days back when video budgets were in the millions. When most of the women picked as the love interest all looked similar: light skin, loose curly or slick straight hair, itty bitty waists and curves galore. I guess my defense mechanism back then if you want to even call it that was that I didn’t want any of these rappers so their idea of beauty wasn’t affecting me any. And now that I’m beyond the target age of video watchers, I still don’t care.
I also never grew up thinking light skin girls were the enemy or better than or anything. I had no collective adjective to describe light skin girls other than they were all light. Shoot, many of my best friends were light skin (haha—I’m actually serious about this but LOL-ing because I sound like what those accused of being racist say when being accused of being racist). No light skin girl in life has ever been mean to me because of my skin tone (at least to my knowledge). And not that I would let them, I LOVE my skin tone.
But last night while watching OWN’s “Light Girls” documentary, I started to feel feelings. I had just come back from what I’ll just describe as a “weird” dating experience and having been single (by choice—okay that can be debated but not now and also not ever in public…lol) for quite some time listening to what some of the men in the “Light Girls” documentary had me thinking. Some of the men had sentiments of a light skin woman being the trophy girlfriend or wife. That a dark skin woman puts up with more crap from men than a light skin woman would. It had me—a normally sound woman of 33 years of age—rethinking whether or not my skin tone has affected my dating experience. For the most part I think I’m attractive and beyond that I’m a really cool person that people love to be around (and if they don’t, eff ’em) but there are men out here who think these things based solely on complexion. My immediate reaction to stuff like this is typically “Meh. These aren’t men worth me dating anyway,” but last night it did bring me back to some hurtful times I had tucked way deep in the part of my brain that tends to forget things like that. There aren’t a ton I can remember but I certainly remember the feeling of being “passed over.” There was the time in Miami when I was with my light skin friends and some guy was handing out his demo CD and handed one to all of them but me. There’s the times when I go out with my lighter girlfriends and guys chat them all up and it seems like sometimes they go out of their way to NOT talk to me. I always have this internal debate with myself that none of those instances had to do with my skin tone and maybe more about perhaps my disposition or sheesh—maybe I ain’t as cute as I thought…lol. But when you hear comments about the desirability of dark skin girls like me—you wonder.
Then the grown up in me comes in and is like “Nah. Stop this silly thinking. WHO cares what men like that think.” And why would I even allow what some man who doesn’t even know me thinks about my skin tone affect me. Like who cares if Nelly or whatever rapper is hot these days (haha) only wants light skin girls in his videos or on his arm as he attends whatever award show to collect whatever award for his garbage music?
And what comes to mind which would be a WHOLE different post and maybe what needs to be as long as a novel or another documentary is WHY ARE WE ALLOWING MEN TO VALIDATE OUR BEAUTY? Like seriously why? WHY? Every now and then I find myself feeling sad or hurt because of how some man perceived my beauty and then I get SO mad at myself because I’m like I’m too old for this and WHY am I letting some man who has no place in my life make me feel this way.
My pal Tunisia summed it up perfectly in this tweet:
Well… By the look of #LightGirls TT, we need to produce a documentary on the self hate of black men + it's affect on our community.
— T U N I S I A (@TunisiaWilson) January 20, 2015
Click here if you can’t see the embedded tweet.
I don’t know guys—these documentaries are produced of course to start conversations (and collect advertising revenue) but the “Dark Girls” one was so depressing (they couldn’t find some dark skin girls who actually grew up loving their skin?) and this “Light Girls” one (which in a way also wound up depressing me…lol) you’d think we’d never get over any of this mess.
But here’s what I think is the grown woman thing to do (and excuse my French): there’s always going to be some shit going, it’s how you let it affect your world that makes the difference.
Did you watch Bill Duke’s “Light Girls” on OWN? What are your thoughts? Tell me in the comments!
Ok, so maybe I have no business even commenting here, I am a white woman, and I did not see this documentary but I read your article and I wanted to applaud your conclusion. I am a natural redhead who’s best friends growing up were attractive leggy blondes and brunettes. Although I certainly got my share of attention, the source and intention of that attention was usually quite different then what I saw directed towards my friends. Eventually, I found the right man and we have been happy together for a very long time. But I didn’t find him until I learned to care and appreciate the girl in the mirror. I heard a wise person say comparison is the enemy of contentment. Truer words have never been spoken. True validation comes from within, knowing who you are, what you want. All other measuring sticks need to be ground up and trashed. Very good article. Thanks for sharing.
Author
Hi Lilred!
Thanks for reading!
That saying is SO true—comparison is the enemy of contentment. SO true.
Thanks also for sharing your experience!
Freshman year of high school I was bullied. It was bad. And it was all because some people thought I wasn’t dark so I would be accepted more than they were. And they were upset. I grew up obviously not one thing but not dark enough to fit in (at the time) with another. It sucked so bad having those girls treat me wrong when I just wanted friends.
Now as an adult I am surrounded by women of different shades whom I call friends. But to be honest with you, because of my experience growing up and stuff people have said I was surprised you (and some of our friends in common) wanted to be friends with me. It’s just so effed up. But I really did have moments when I thought in my head “OMG “she” is being nice to me. This is great.” And it is sad.
Even now there are times people judge me and I am all kinds of confused because I am the biggest dork on the planet and I just want to laugh and be friends with everyone. Some people just don’t want to take a step and find that out. They’d rather make assumptions.
Author
Hey Victoria!
WOW—so sorry you went through that! I had no clue you thought that way about people like me and our friends in common befriending you. Ugh—I really wish those girls weren’t so mean to you.
I really wish people wouldn’t judge others. Get to know someone first or simply just mind your own business :/
Love your take on it. I watched the last half (watching the rest in a bit) but I did catch what the men were saying about having a “trophy”. I just shook my head as I remember the age of the video girl and what they all looked like and how I remember feeling a little “less than” because I couldn’t compare but quickly realized they are not real so nothing to worry about there! But Miami…..ohhh……that place used to hurt my feelings!
It’s weird how thins like this can shock the memory a bit and bring up feelings we forgot were there and watching this special made me think. Also having a daughter who is considered light, I realized yet again we have to make sure she knows she’s more than her looks even though some of our family would think otherwise.
Author
Hey Amber!
Yeah Miami can be ROUGH which is why when I first went during the Black Film Festival weekend, I said I wouldn’t come back during any “peak” times…lol.
Yep—memories all resurfacing and what not.
Thanks for reading!
After watching these documentaries, I am so grateful to have grown up loving who I am and what I look like. I, like you, didn’t even witness (or maybe I was just blind) colorism until maybe senior year of high school (when Lil Wayne rapped that he liked a long-haired, thick redbone and all the other guys sang in agreement). Growing up in South Florida, there are so many different ethnicities and people of various skin tones that it isn’t hard to find someone who looks just like you or are as beautiful as you are. I never grew up feeling inferior because I wasn’t lighter (when I looked around, everyone looked like me). And I never really knew there was a preference until I got much older. I think the key to finding true happiness is learning to accept yourself and know that even if a guy only talks to lighter girls, that that has nothing to do with you (that’s his own self-hate). Thanks for sharing your story, Danielle!
Author
Thanks so much for your comment, Briea! Yep—that’s totally it—if a guy doesn’t prefer your look, it’s HIS issue, not yours.
I guess I’m the Devil’s Advocate. Colorism is alive and thriving unfortunately. Its easy to say “I didn’t feel that way so people shouldn’t care. It doesn’t affect me.” But the harsh reality is that it affects millions in our community, whether they choose to acknowledge it or not. When I have a little cousin (7yrs old btw) saying they wish they were white, there’s a problem. I faced it heavily growing up. I don’t necessarily think all women need validation from men. That was just showing how Colorism affects men and women. Regardless if whether a woman or man has an issue, if you hear the same thing long enough, it starts to bother you. When your own people don’t love you and have a pre-conceived notion because of your skin color, there is a problem. I don’t think it should be ignored because it affects someone you know if not you. I personally think Soledad O’Brien’s idea was best: there is nothing wrong with acknowledging different skin colors. We are not all the same. The problem comes when you make an assumption or see a problem with that color. And honestly, if people prefer to pretend like it doesn’t exist or choose not to care because it doesn’t affect them, then how can a person really say the care about people knowing that it’s a problem stemming from racism that still affects us now? Sorry so long, it’s just one of the issues I take seriously. It stems from slavery mentalities, but is so deeply embedded in our culture that we just accept it as the “norm.”
Author
Hey Taryn!
Not sure if this comment is a direct reply to what I wrote in the post (I’m assuming so since you said you’re the devil’s advocate) but I’m not sure where you might have gotten that I (or anyone who left a comment) didn’t care about colorism or that I’m ignoring the problem because I didn’t feel negatively about my skin tone growing up or even now. My point is people are always going to have something to say about you whether it’s your skin tone, your hair texture, the way you dress, etc. — you have the power to determine how you’ll let that affect your well-being. I can’t control people from hating or “not preferring” my skin tone, but I can control how I let their feelings affect me and how I feel about myself. Not saying it’s always an easy road but as you get further along in adulthood, things don’t affect you as deeply as they might have.
A huge part of colorism and the pain that comes from it today is in how SOME Black men have skin tone preferences. Which is why we have documentaries called “Dark Girls” and “Light Girls.” A lot of the choices women make and how they feel are based on something a man likes/believes/etc. and a lot of the present-day colorism issues do have a lot to do with SOME Black men.
I can see why you think it was a direct reply towards you and everyone else. It wasn’t to attack tho. I was saying Devil’s Advocate bc my position was different from everyone else’s. So I figured mine would come off as the “negative” one so to speak. I agree with what you’re saying. I just know that the people like you who don’t let it affect them is a small group. Otherwise, silly bleaching companies wouldn’t make so much money. And unfortunately, men’s opinions matter. Should they always? No. But I don’t want to give up on the ppl that aren’t comfortable in their skin. It sucks that we already have so much hate from outside that we still feel the need to hate ourselves for everything. You’re right, people will always dislike something. I just don’t want people to dislike themselves. And skin color is the one thing we (usually) can’t change. Self-love seems so easy but it’s not for so many people. That’s why it bothers me so much, because it’s huge in our community.
(I didn’t watch the documentary…I never watch OWN.) In a way, I am much like you in that I never assume i’m passed over because of the color of my skin. I think a part of it is because I didn’t grow up in the US and a part of it is that I TALKED myself into being confident at a very early age. I had to. I was always tall and had big lips and during high school people tried to make me feel bad about that. They failed. (Some are trying to push up now….I’m like -_-) I don’t go about thinking people are better than I am, no matter what they have or how they look. You can’t stop people from being dumb asses. You can’t stop people from having and expressing their opinions. You can’t force people to like you. What you can do is love and accept yourself and teach yourself how to react when people are being stupid.
yasssssssssssssss i loved this article…i think it has way more to do with how men see dark skin girls, its women. And not just women but women of color. like one of the girls from the documentary stated, when it comes from one of your own, it hurts more. You would think we would have this united front, but we dont. It’s hard when you know that no one is born to think this way or talk that way…they are taught and conditioned to be racist, or be on the negative side of colorism. And its just sad because you cant help how people are raising their kids, it becomes a never ending cycle. But I think if parents consistently build their kids self esteem, and let them know they are beautiful as THEY ARE, it could help. It takes a village…lol
Another point to make (from my own personal experience) is that when the issue casually comes up in conversation with my friends (and some random people) that aren’t black, they are unaware that we do this to each other because in their eyes we are all black. I spent most of my adult life in Miami, and not once was I ostracized for being dark-skinned. It’s so diverse down there and most people are beautiful. And there’s also a huge problem with skin bleaching. But at the end of the day, there were always plenty of people that could care less about what shade of black I was. Confidence takes you a long way.
It’s baffling to me how we continue to do this to ourselves. Yes, it’s a slave mentality/jim crow thing, but only WE can change how we feel and think about each other, and how we express that to the world. It disgusts me to see and hear light-skinned vs dark-skinned topics of conversation, like one is better than the other. No other ethnicity publicly does this like we do it to each other. How come we insist on keeping these old mentalities alive? And adults! Not children. Kids can be nasty but we continue this irresponsible behavior as grown ass people. We should know better (sorry it’s frustrating)! I’m an 80s baby and grew up being told black is beautiful. I believed it. I just wish we could all be told that and believe it. I really hope this changes soon.
I also was alarmed at how our own black brothers view us.. theres definitely a problem somewhere… i appreciate this post.. Ive also given my thoughts on this topic on my blog x
i am one of those dark women that always heard “wow youre pretty for a dark skinned girl” Ive even had men say to me “you must be mixed because your features are not those of an avg dark woman”. WTF. i have seen and heard first hand how SOME of our men view dark women. i know sometimes its a preference, but many times i wonder if there are underlying issues with the man. ironically, last wkend i had a conversation with one of my first boyfriends. he said Something along the lines of: youre the only dark woman i have ever been with and loved u more than any other woman i been with. i said why is that surprising? u dont love a person for their complexion, u love them for the person they are and how they treat you. Crazy
I would like to add that my family always taught me self love so I too did not grow up with any complexes about the way I look or thinking that light skin was the enemy.
Its truly disturbing that people would date someone based on their complexion and/ or hair texture. As a community we have got to do better and teach our children better. It surely doesnt help with all the songs we here that clearly put lighter up on a pedestal. Movies and television sti casting light as good and dark as evil.