Self Esteem 101: How to Be Your Own Biggest Cheerleader

(This was initially going to be a video so this is a still from an outtake…lol)

Social media sometimes can have you feeling like if you don’t have a mean waist to hip ration with a big booty and a mass of big curly natural hair, the perfect lighting in all of your selfies, the baddest wardrobe, professionally shot photos, and like 30K followers, you ain’t nathan. I fell into the trap of falling into my feelings before because of Instagram, but I have SEEN the light (actually, I got further into my 30s and had a dramatic decline in the f–ks I had to give).

But I know some people are constantly bombarded with only certain types of beauty and it can get overwhelming and REALLY hurt when you don’t fit that mold. The other day Jackie Aina (Makeup Game On Point) put up a post asking her followers to vent out their struggles growing up with dark skin. I read through a lot of the comments and so much of it just broke my heart.

I wrote a post following the airing of the “Light Girls” documentary discussing how while I didn’t grow up hating my dark skin (there were 50 million other things I did hate though—my height, not being able to fit in, my clothes, my hair—lol) but I surely know the pain of feeling “passed over.” So many of us are subjected to some sort of “ism” whether it be because of our weight, our curves (or lack of), our looks, our hair texture, our socioeconomic status—sheesh, life is ROUGH.

But it doesn’t have to be. Yes, there’s so many beauty standards to uphold that it can make you want to just hide under the covers, but we’ve got worlds to conquer, girl. Shoulders back, chin up, head held high. I may not have ALL the answers (I have at least have some of them…lol) but here’s my tips on how to up your self esteem and be your own biggest cheerleader. Feel free to leave your own tips in the comments :)

Stop Judging Other People

I cannot even stress this enough. The more you let others be, the more comfy you’ll be with yourself. I try my HARDEST not to talk about other people in a malicious way because I know how karma works—that mess will bite me in the booty HARD. It’s funny—people assume I judge people’s makeup, clothes, hairstyles, etc. all the time because of what I do for a living. GIRL, I care SO little about what other people do with their bodies. I used to give advice on how to dress for your body type—which I still wholeheartedly believe in (we’ll talk more about that later in this post) but for the most part, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WEAR…lol.

In Trinidad there’s a term called “maco” which basically means tending WAY too much to other people’s business. So if you’re constantly macoing everyone else’s life, you start to feel like people are doing the same to you and then you start feeling insecure. Because you’re pointing out someone’s split end or curl pattern or untied shoe or whatever, you constantly put yourself in a state of thinking everyone’s going to come for you. So chill out. Live and let live.

Side note: You can always tell the ones who hurt the most because they’re ALWAYS talking about somebody. You know the ones. But we won’t judge them though, right? ;)

Know You Deserve the Best

This comes to relationships, work, friendships, your order at the drive thru line—EVERYTHING.
You deserve to have people who respect you in your life (as long as you’re being respectful) and you deserve to be happy. Know that.

It Takes Practice

Self esteem comes with practice and for many of us, age. I was SO self-conscious as a kid and teen. Then less so when I got into my 20s. Now in my 30s I sometimes care so little about what people think about me I have to make sure I’m being normal…lol. Of course this comes and goes—I have my days when I just want to cry and change things about my looks. But for the most part I’m loving me.

You may not get it right today but it’ll come.

Know Your Best Makeup Colors and Clothing for Your Body Type

I know that might sound superficial PLUS I just finished saying I don’t care what you wear, but hear me out.
When you know what looks good on you, you don’t dwell on what doesn’t. I’m not sitting here crying because light matte nude lip colors don’t look good on me because I know reds, purples, pinks, corals, pinky browns, and all sorts of other colors do. (See tons of lip color shades on yours truly here, a video of me rocking some cute spring lip colors here, and tons of lip color swatches and reviews here).

Ditto with clothing. When you dress for your body type (I have a whole section about this on my blog) you look like your clothes were MADE for you. This is why I jump for joy when I see Tall sections.

Some posts to read:
Your Best Makeup Colors
How to Choose Your Best Colors for Makeup and Wardrobe
How to Look Your Best EVER

[Note: some of these are older posts. If images are missing it’s because they were images of celebs and I took them down. The text in the post is really what you need anyway]

(Also look at the Dressing for Your Body tab in my menu bar and look at posts by body type category)

Surround Yourself with Positivity

What you give is what you get. I firmly believe in the law of attraction and being mindful of the company one keeps. You keep negative people around you and all that negativity is going to dampen your energy.

Be nice to everyone

When was the last time you did something or said something nice to someone and it made you feel bad? I’m not talking about lending money to that trifling cousin who never pays you back, I’m talking simple things like saying good morning to neighbors, smiling at people as you pass them by, letting friends and family know you love them, asking the janitor at your office how their day went. Be nice!

Date yourself

If you can’t stand yourself, what makes you think other people will? I enjoy myself so much that I talk to myself out loud—in public sometimes, too…lol.

Don’t be afraid to try a new restaurant solo. Take a trip solo. Go shopping. Take yourself out for a day of beauty.

Celebrate other types of beauty

Women can be so hard on other women sometimes.

“She wears too much makeup.”

“Why doesn’t she wear makeup?”

I also don’t understand why people need to see women “striped down” to feel better about themselves. If that woman is beat to the gods and is snatched in some bodycon dress and looking good, appreciate her. But appreciate you, too.

We all come in so many shapes, sizes, and colors. There’s so much beauty in all of us.

Stop allowing men to define your beauty

SIGH. I mean, I could write a whole dissertation on this.

For the most part I believe a lot of esteem issues comes from how men define our beauty. Not all of them—obviously there are important (STRESSING: important) men in your life who you want to be beautiful for but there’s a lot of riff-raff out there you should be tuning out.

I live in NYC. I was born here and lived here all my life. Some of the men here can be pretty aggressive—disgusting even. I’ve had times where I walked by a group of men (boys, really) I didn’t know and overheard things like “Nahhhh, she ain’t got no ass” as I walked by pretending like I didn’t even see them.

Or there’s the men on social media who post pics of their #WCW and it’s always based on what she looks like and rarely ever about her personality. Or the ones who have been so vocal lately any time a makeup transformation pic is posted who vehemently declare how we’re fooling them. SIGH. I could go on. I seriously could.

But the point here is to do you. You’ll attract men who like you for you.

(I’m also not saying to not get dolled up for your important (stressing important again—you can also substitute important with “the right one”) significant other—that’s a whole different convo—one I don’t have time for right now…lol)

That’s all I have for now, but I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments below, so leave ’em so I can see ’em…lol.