How to Navigate Social Media with Your Self-Esteem Intact (Or At Least How I Do It)

Photo: Nasilele Photography

Full disclosure: I’m in my 30s and with every second that I age, I lose a f#$k to give. Pretty soon I’ll have no f#$ks to give. I’ll be fresh out. This attitude also has a lot to do with my view on this subject so please keep that in mind…lol.

Like I’m about 4-5 seconds from Flossie.

But I’m no stranger to comparing myself to others. Or wishing I had what others had. I know exactly what it feels like to not like what you see in the mirror and thinking if only you had XYZ you’d be more desirable and thus have a better life. I don’t think like that much anymore, but I definitely understand those feelings.

Lately conversations about social media have turned to discussing the effects it has on us—particularly our self esteem. I struggled with self-image like every other teen out there but though we had the internet when I was a teen, it was VERY taboo to post an image of yourself. That was in the glory days of “A/S/L.” I shout to the high heavens in thanks that I was growing up then because I can’t even imagine what life would be like going through your teens AND having social media. Going home after school was my solace from any kind of bad feelings or teasing I felt in school—I wouldn’t want to have that mess following me everywhere I go via my smart phone. In the words of Double XX Posse: I’m not gonna be able to do it.

And yet even into adulthood some of those feelings of inadequacy infiltrated my psyche. A few years ago I used to feel feelings about the type of imagery I was putting out compared to other bloggers.

The thing is social media started out as this amazing platform where the “average person” could have their voice heard. You didn’t have to be a celebrity, didn’t need a publicist to get you on the radio or TV, you didn’t need to look like a model—in fact in the early days people really didn’t share the kind of images that we share now. But it was wonderful! You could find people who looked like you, had the same interests as you, etc.

Then social media blew the eff up. You couldn’t get away with the blurry back-lit pics you might have been able to slide through your feed back in 2007. And with social media platforms like Instagram where everything is based on the visual, you could fall way down the totem poll if your images aren’t on point.

Social Media is Almost like Art

I used to envy the bloggers who always posted amazing pictures. That was until I decided I needed to up my imagery game and realized how much got damn work goes into producing an Instagram-y photo. Yooooo that mess takes WORK. Finding the right light, the right angle, the right composition, the right color scheme—and that’s just photographing products. When YOU are the subject of the photo you have to take so much into consideration—posing, angles, whether or not an outfit is photo-worthy (because some things just photograph all wonky), lighting, the right time of day to post it, etc, etc, etc. THAT. MESS. IS. EXHAUSTING. So then instead of envying other bloggers with dope pics or thinking something was wrong with me, I started to appreciate the LABOR that went into them getting that shot. Taking pictures only looks glamorous to those who don’t have to be photographed…lol. Shoot, if modeling were easy we’d ALL be models.

So I understand and appreciate the process of producing a great quality pic so I don’t look at them like “OMG WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!” but I look at it more like artwork. And LABOR. I mean, how many selfies do you typically take before you get one you like? This is why I don’t take very many of them any more unless I’m trying to get a picture of some makeup I’m reviewing.

I now tend to look at images on social media for visual inspiration. Like, I’m not going to get bent out of shape all the time if my workspace doesn’t look like Chriselle Lim‘s. Or if I don’t have an all-white room like Shirley B. Eniang. Or if my skin isn’t as chocolate-y as Nikki Perkins. But you better believe I’m over here double-tapping and being all like YASSSS whenever I come across their posts. I may even screenshot a few to try and get something similar—you know, within my own means…lol.

The Part You Play

One of the main reasons why imagery on blogs and Youtube look like they can be in high fashion magazines is because content creators are vying for your attention. I want to take an amazing pic so you click on my blog link. People are visual by nature—this is why musicians are no longer face-less like they could have been back in the pre-video days. Folks didn’t know Teena Marie looked like Teena Marie when she initially hit the scene—her label didn’t put her image on her album covers at first. They wanted you to hear that voice. This is also why you had video stand-ins for some powerhouse voices who didn’t fit what the label believed the music-buying audience would deem as “beautiful” or “sexy.” They did it to Martha Wash—had someone who “fit the bill” lip-sync in the C&C Music Factory “Everybody Dance Now” video because the label thought Martha’s image wouldn’t sell. Nothing has changed—humans have BEEN like this. Except if the Martha Wash scandal happened these days more people would know about it and voice their opinions—there would be social media campaigns supporting her. The dichotomy of social media—gotta love it and hate it…lol.

But back to my point. Yes, there are a lot of mean people out there. Comments on news sites, Facebook, and Youtube will have you out here questioning mankind. But there’s a phrase I’m sure you’ve heard a million times: hurting people hurt people. BUT IT’S SO TRUE. When was the last time you felt so good about yourself that you had to cut someone else down with mean words? Exactly.

There’s also this perception that people have of “popular” people on social media—somehow they’ve become desensitized and don’t realize there’s an actual person with feelings they’re hurling insults at. I’ve seen people leave some really nasty comments on popular pages—especially celebs—but then what I see often is when the celeb responds back all of a sudden the person is awe-stricken and is all “OMG I LOVE YOU! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU RESPOND TO COMMENTS” :/

I’ve also noticed that sometimes people project their own insecurities on others—they see something in that person that they see in themselves that they hate. I’ve seen this played out SO many times I could probably write a book on it.

It’s always so funny to me—people claim they want to see “real” imagery on social media then when you see it you pick it apart. If you’re out there being petty doing stupid mess like counting some girl’s split ends to back why you don’t like her picture, YOU are part of the problem.

I think the less you come for other people, the less you think people are coming for you. I used to write critiques about celebrity fashion. The snarkier I got with my commentary the better the views/shares were. BUT AT WHAT COST? When you do nothing but snark people on the internet (and IRL), the universe/law of attraction is going to bring snark to you. You’ll be the target of mean jokes and people will think you deserve it. So I stopped writing about celebrities. I even hesitate to share pics of celebs because even if I’m praising them, sometimes people comment mean things. And I don’t want mean things associated with me/my brand. You won’t be messing up my aura, boo boo.

Mean things are said about people online SO often that Dove had to create a campaign to get people to stop saying mean things on social media. Yo the SOAP company had to get folks together and re-teach them the cardinal rule we learned in kindergarten: “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

So it’s been my personal mission for quite some time—more than a decade—shoot maybe more than two decades—to find the best in people. Not every person—because some people are just evil–but I try my darned best not to judge a book by its cover. I’m not naive or stupid—I can spot the killer before the killer spots me, but I’m not going to eye another woman up and down because I don’t like her shoes. Who cares about her shoes? And maybe she has bigger fish to fry than to be worrying about her got damn shoes.

I’m no angel—-I have my moments but I’m not going to tear someone down without REALLY good reason. Yeah, I talk about fashion and makeup for a living—doesn’t mean I’m making fun of your liner. Shoot, you could be making fun of mine…lol. I’m of the “I won’t come for you if you don’t come for me” school. I don’t nitpick people’s looks so I don’t think people at large are out there nitpicking mine. And if they are, that’s THEIR problem, not mine. I’m out here living life and being me.

This is not something that will happen overnight but try to ease up on the judgment of people based on their looks. If their character is soiled go in and let have (to a point though—remember hurting people hurt people and they may just need some love), but before you start going in about someone else’s flaws—stop and think how any of that is being constructive to YOUR well-being and psyche. The less you have to say about someone else’s looks, the more you’ll grow to appreciate yours. TRUST ME. It takes time and practice but you can get there.

The “Competition”

You know—I don’t know what “society’s” obsession with pitting women against each other is all about. It makes NO sense. Remember back in elementary school (or was that junior high?) when we learned about mutually exclusive events? Did that somehow seep into popular culture when it comes to more than one woman winning at the same time? When Rihanna dropped her album and then Beyoncé hit us with “Formation” in the same week, it seemed hard for some people to root for both talented ladies at the same time. They both did amazing things in the same week—but nope we have to pick one :/ Thankfully there are people out there with sense who questioned why both women couldn’t be bosses at the same time.

So here’s this: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE. It’ll be almost ten years since I’ve had this blog (time flies, right?) and I’ve been asked who my competition is pretty often. And each time I’m like “I DUNNO” because really who reads just ONE blog or follows just ONE blogger. People like V-A-R-I-E-T-Y. Any time I’ve shared a listing of bloggers to follow or showed some praise to any of my blogger friends, people LOVED it. And guess what? It didn’t take anything from me in the process. In fact it made me feel good to be able to share something like that.

There will always be someone out there who might appear to have the perfect life but you are YOUUUUUU. Some beautiful woman with fabulous pics doesn’t take away from my fly. Shoot, ALL the beautiful women in the entire of social media with all their fabulous pics STILL don’t take away from my fly. I’m beautiful, too. And so are you.

And yes, people are out here filtering and editing their pics. But I don’t like using that as a rebuttal. Some of these people are beautiful even without the filtering, without the makeup, without the everything—still doesn’t take away from your fly. I also just don’t like to feel the need to explain away someone else’s flyness. Like I’m not about to sit here and be like “Well she’s only cute because of all that makeup” or “If she ain’t have that filter that pic would be wack,” etc, etc, etc. I ain’t got time to be breaking mess down. Sometimes things are just really beautiful—and that’s okay because again—SO ARE YOU.

Turn it off

Here’s the glorious thing about social media: YOU CAN TURN IT OFF. You can unfollow the things/people that trigger certain feelings. You don’t have to opt into things that make you feel bad. I have to remind myself when I find myself reading comments on news stories. I even had to take news outlets out of my Facebook feed because I’d wake up feeling great and then be feeling gloomy by lunch. When I thought about what could have happened to trigger the sad feelings and saw that NOTHING bad had happened to me it was just reading vile comments, I had to get that mess out of my feed.

I also won’t follow anyone with a negative attitude no matter how awesome their makeup skills are or how much I love their outfits. Again, Double XX Posse reference: I’m not gonna be able to do it. Positivity breeds positivity—if you haven’t read a book like The Secret yet, please do. Auntie Oprah put me on game and I swear that book helped change my outlook.

So I’m ending this post here but I know I’ll be touching on this subject and others like it again in the future. But if you get anything from this post please let it be that life is too short for you to be worrying so much about what other people think or for you to be the Negative Nancy out there throwing unnecessary shade. Don’t let it stifle you—it takes time—you’re not going to be some new person overnight but please at least try to put it into practice. If you need to enlist the help of a mental health professional please do. No judgment there at all. Many of us could benefit from talking things out with someone detached from our situations every now and then.

What are your thoughts on today’s social media? Tell me in the comments!